Inspiration Comes From Desperation

Inspiration, it’s the essence that drives everyone to create something out of nothing. With inspiration a person can find their way out of darkness, they can find that one thing that they need to climb over the brick wall that is between them, and their solution. Where does this inspiration come from, because I really, really, need some right now.

I need to find some way to make a lot of money really fast, like end of the week fast. I am on the verge of getting evicted, getting my gas cut off, the bills are piling up and I still have to find a way to keep things all rainbows and sunshine for my two wee ones. I money is coming in, my husband is working, working harder than ever in fact, it’s just not enough money. I get public assistance from The Golden State, but it’s not nearly enough. I know the next logical step would be for me to work and, I do plan on doing that, it’s the timing that is the problem.

My daughter just started Kindergarten, and as of right now I need to be there for her, she need me to wake her up, take her to school, she needs me to pick her up, she needs me to help her with her homework and tuck her in at night. If I begin working I won’t be able to do that. I remember when she was born and I went back to work when she was four months old; I missed so much of baby years because of Wal-Mart. My son is two now, and I have been out of work since he was about 14 months old, I don’t regret it , but because of that choice our financials went to down the toilet. I love my children, deeply, and just thinking about how much their life will be turned upside down in the upcoming weeks hurts. It’s like someone is taking their fists and squeezing my heart and throat, tighter and tighter with each breath. It’s hard to breathe these days from the stress, but I keep on breathing because I have to and I keep on racking my brain for ways to make money fast, but I keep hitting walls.

I can’t find any inspiration for making any honest fast cash, and the ideas that I do get aren’t good enough. I’ve tried crocheting items to sell, but no one had any money to buy anything. I tried creating a tiny palm sized book of haikus, called Handful of haiku, for one dollar a piece, but no one cares for a book a haiku, or poetry in general for that matter. It’s disheartening. The one thing that I am getting a lot of inspiration for is writing, but that’s not the kind of inspiration I need right now. Unless someone wants to make me a writing offer I can’t refuse, then perhaps I got the inspiration I need.

Lately, my fingers have been very twitchy and when they get twitchy that’s when my writing is at its finest. Give me a pen and paper, and I will craft pages of haikus, long poems about the allure of drinking and dying, and vignettes of strangers whose only connection to each other is riding a public bus. I have notebooks piled on top of each other, filled with scribbles of my ideas and thoughts. What is all this adding up to? I honestly don’t know. I just know stress equals twitchy fingers and a loss of appetite.

My desperation is inspiring me to write, which is a wonderful thing. I love to write, and have been writing for myself for as long as I can think of, but I need money. I need the inspiration to make money, which I can’t seem to muster, just inspiration for writing. I suppose the only thing that I can do is keep on writing, perhaps I just need to take a different approach to finding the inspiration. George Carlin did say that you just have to change your way of thinking.


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